I want you to know this was never my intention. I went to see the doctor because of a mandatory yearly work physical. Did I say "doctor"? Well, technically he has a diploma on the wall and a white coat. But so does the janitor at work. He graduated from some Cambodian online university. I guess mopping floors is big over there.

But because of our cheap health insurance, my particular doctor is relatively cheap for an office visit and close to home. However I still believe it's a bad sign when you decide to put your practice in the middle of a strip mall between a Rent-A-Center and a dollar store. It doesn't scream "DOCTOR". It does however scream "RUSTY TORTURE INSTRUMENTS".

As a matter of fact, should I have a heart attack I would probably go to the Rent-A-Center instead. I can rent a defibbrillator with just a drivers license and no questions. This doctor wanted to know things that, in my opinion, nobody should ever know about me. How many times a week do I poop? How many alcoholic beverages do I average all week. How many cigarettes per week? Do I take vitamin supplements? How many vegetables and fruits do I eat? How many hours of exercise do I get per week? Do I masturbate?

Yes, that last question was asked. I guess it's important for doctor stuff. But I figured he wanted to judge my reaction when he stuck his finger up my poop chute. All I wanted to know about THAT was if I had to pay extra to have my sack tickled at the same time. A reasonable question because we've all been there before.....right??

He didn't seemed pleased with my answers. In fact, he was shaking his head so hard at my responses I thought he might have epilepsy. To be honest, the health questions were boiled down to two answers.
1) HAHAHAHAHA
2) Do pizza rolls count?

He did have some good news at first. He said I was in GREAT shape for a 65 year old!

I had to tell him I was only 50.

He looked as if he regretted his whole decision to be a doctor. He shook his head and looked at the chart. Then to me. Then to the chart. His confusion was apparent and his question sincere. "How are you still ALIVE? You are going to die sooner than later. You do know that right?" Nice bed side manner.

The bottom line is my cholesterol levels are high. My blood pressure wasn't TOO bad. Just a bit high. I'm at risk of diabetes because I'm almost 40 pounds overweight. And I smoke. And I drink too much. And the only thing green I eat is when my leftovers go bad. And because I don't exercise. He stopped me as soon as the words "But I play video games...." came from my mouth.

The thing is I thought it was good for a joke until I realized how serious he was. This guy either really hated his life choice, or just wanted to make me as miserable as he seemed to be at my disinterest.

So I left and joined a gym. Luckily they had a deal going on. First month free, $14 enrollment, and only $35 a month after that. I even got a key card so I can go anytime I want 24/7. They gave me a tour and tomorrow my poor life choices catch up with me as I wheeze, sweat, and probably have a stroke on my way to being "healthy". Or at least close enough.

I'll let you know how that goes. I may just rent that defibbrillator today. Better be prepared.

Reminds me of a doctors office along a row of shops in Melton, Victoria, Australia....shady...

heckler (11:53am Fri, Jan 24, 2014)

This doctor wanted to know things that, in my opinion, nobody should ever know about me. How many times a week do I poop? How many alcoholic beverages do I average all week. How many cigarettes per week? Do I take vitamin supplements? How many vegetables and fruits do I eat? How many hours of exercise do I get per week? Do I masturbate?

Ha ha ha. Alcohol to know about liver health, ciggies to know about lung health, poop for colon, and believe it or not but masturbation has serious health benefits for men when it comes to prostate health!

heckler (11:53am Fri, Jan 24, 2014)

All I wanted to know about THAT was if I had to pay extra to have my sack tickled at the same time. A reasonable question because we've all been there before.....right??

Ha ha ha ha ha. At least you don't have to spread your legs for a strange doctor to look inside you then poke and scrape you with things, then walk out bleeding and sliding everywhere from the lube!

heckler (11:53am Fri, Jan 24, 2014)

The bottom line is my cholesterol levels are high. My blood pressure wasn't TOO bad. Just a bit high. I'm at risk of diabetes because I'm almost 40 pounds overweight. And I smoke. And I drink too much. And the only thing green I eat is when my leftovers go bad. And because I don't exercise. He stopped me as soon as the words "But I play video games...." came from my mouth.

Aww *hugs*.

Here's some good news. Porridge/oats (NOT the microwave sort you lazy bastard) and cheerios will help with the cholesterol! Eat them only for breakfast. Then, eat lunch and dinner as better foods and if you're hungry turn to fruit or salad. I devour enough salad to legally be declared a bunny atm. Celery is negative calories so it burns them to break it down...and they're a great snack and keep in the fridge (cut up and placed into foil) for a week.

Here's some bad news:
http://www.creativeburrow.org/blogs/serving-sizes-not-what-you-think!/
http://www.creativeburrow.org/blogs/rant-about-coleswoolworths/

Wow! Those questions sounds like a human rights violation! I'm sure there are more humain ways to gain such information. I would seriously consider getting a new physician who doesn't destroy your dignity in the process. All the best with those gym workouts, lol!

Oh man, that was a fun read!