So by now you probably wonder… who I actually like. All of the girls around me wish they had guys fighting for them, or even showing signs of interest…and here I am with three, showing little to no acknowledgement, interest, or appreciation in their eyes.

Have you read that series about vampires by Stephanie Meyer? Well…the lover is my Edward. When we split I thought I would honestly die. I went on with life (unlike Bella) and eventually began to feel normal… except for the giant pull I had to him. I spent my days pretending I had moved on and my nights dreaming of him…silently wishing for his arms around me.. sometimes it upset me so much and the pain of my heart would flare and I would cry myself to sleep.

A few months ago we started talking again…and he admitted to feeling the same way. Our bond has kept us together, even when we fought like cats and dogs (and it got me fired… yes, these three men used to be my colleagues). He says he isn’t ready for a relationship, but he still loves me. That was a “what the fuck?!” moment for me and I took his head off with my verbal tantrum about being strung on and needing love…all of the injustices I was committing. I was mostly yelling at myself…but he wouldn’t have known.


I mentioned before that I was “supposed to” be with the working man. Well we are sort of unofficial. I just don’t want love right now. I’ve pushed everyone away. I'm not ready to give or receive it, though I do want to.. I just cant seem to reciprocate any feelings. I care deeply for this guy, and he loves me so… but I just cant seem to muster the same level of feeling.

It tears me apart. I want to love him. He has some flaws, like his unaffectionate nature, but he is one of those guys you want to take home to your parents and watch them ask if you hired him to pose or if he’s lying to them. I don’t want to hurt him either..


To put it bluntly…the strange one is one I could go to, and wake satisfied.. He would not ever reject me, and I wouldn’t reject him either.. we have a strange sort of sexual bond that instantly turns the other on when near them. On the phone. Reading their text messages… we haven’t discovered why we have it. But the bond is so strong that if we didn’t need to eat, drink, and get paid, we wouldn’t leave the bedroom. The good part is that we can still talk like normal.

So you’re wondering why I don’t just go with him right? I mean, conversation, great sex, he has a job…what more could I want?! I don’t know.


Sometimes I wonder…if I could make the lover as mature and professional as the working man, and as lusty as the strange one…would he be the perfect guy?

Why am I so torn?
I'm still waiting for all of this to unravel and expose me.
I've stopped going over these to check if it would offend any one of them..and rewording..so these are raw thoughts, enjoy .