Well, the past couple of months have been a learning time for me. I took some time to reflect and learned that I can not please everyone no matter how hard I try. It has come to a point in which I need to start thinking of myself and the things I want out of life. Life is too short to constantly strive to please everyone else.

I am not trying to be selfish here, just learning more about myself. I have been writing feverishly lately and finally feel as though I am starting to get a grip on who I am and what I want with my life. As I sit here right now, my spouse is off in his own world  and I am looking at him with a little sadness in my eyes. He really needs to start communicating with me more. This is my rant and feelings for right now

Kudos for the writing thing! And the self-discovery, of course.

You give very little context but it is indeed sad that there is little communication between you and your spouse... Not necessarily a deal breaker in a relationship, but something you two need to work out. I'm guessing that your newly found introspection heightens the dissatisfaction, but may I (perhaps impertinently) suggest that you make him communicate more by starting yourself? I mean, if you keep waiting for him to be more open and talkative, without him realizing you need this, it might end in frustration... but if you are the one who initiates the communication he may understand you and put more effort in it.

I'm not saying that you're somehow responsible for his attitude, mind you; merely suggesting a strategy to get things moving in a positive direction.

Thank you for the insight, I have been trying to talk to him a little more these days and it seems to be working a little. I think he is going through a personal crisis at the moment and is just not open to discussing it as of right now. It is like he is in his own world and deep in thought about something. I really hope that things work out the way they are supposed to in the end. He is not a big communicator, and when I express how I feel, he says that I over think things way too much, when I am only trying to tell him how I feel.

It took my fiance a very long time to realise what you have about putting yourself first. I said there's a difference between being selfish and thinking of yourself. It was very hard for him to do it but he's so happy now he has. I told him to think of himself first, over me and everyone else, and make decisions based on what he wants. If someone disagrees they can argue it sure, but it's his life and he will never be happy if he isn't in charge of it.

It's a hard step for people to take but it's the best thing for you personally.


As for your husband, you probably need to talk to him. Tell him you want to share your feelings and for him to share his with you. Tell him how you feel when he says you're overthinking. He's probably overwhelmed by sharing, to be honest. With my fiance we have talked all this through and we've agreed if we're upset and something's raw we will tell the other we're going through something or dealing with something and not ready to talk about it, but at the same time answering basic questions so the other isn't sitting there freaking out. Also if we hurt the other person we have to talk up IMMEDIATELY so we know it hurt and can apologise and never do it again unless it's accidental or you're sensitive and took it wrong that time only sort of deal. Since doing this it's had a two fold effect - I'm not so nasty without realising and he's not so sensitive because he truly realised how much was upsetting him. It's been good, we've grown with it.

This might help you regain a level of intimacy with him and vulnerability that might open him back up. Tell him it's a social experiment or a game...

For the backstory: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html

For just the questions: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0

I think women, in particular, are raised to take care of others and put everyone else's needs before their own. That's why we get the feeling that we're being selfish when it comes time to take care of ourselves. I hope that I raised my kids to think of themselves as well as others, but they surely didn't get that from my example when they were growing up. I've been a peacemaker and doormat since I was a child. It's only been the past few years that I finally decided that I matter, too, and it's not my job to make the rest of the world happy.

I completely agree Polgara. I think it takes a certain amount of doormatting to be able to say "HEY!" and stand up and demand your own kindness back. You've really really got to learn to put yourself first, or at least to a certain level of care, and you've also got to learn how to say no to others. Learning how to choose things for your own happiness over/in spite of others is an important part of growing up and I hope people are learning this before becoming parents so they can see how truly important both sides are (and hopefully balance them so that they look after everyone as effectively as possible).

I certainly hope you get a breakthrough here and manage to improve your situation.

I understand how you feel. Sometimes we marry people that just never come round. I have been married for 17 years and my husband is impossible to get through to. He is stubborn and has made up his mind that he will stay that way. I have tried everything and given up, after a while you get tired of the nonsense and no longer want it. I just get on with my life now and he gets on with his. It is hard to believe that we were once in love. Don't let this happen to you.

oraclemay (05:31pm Tue, May 19, 2015)

I certainly hope you get a breakthrough here and manage to improve your situation.

I understand how you feel. Sometimes we marry people that just never come round. I have been married for 17 years and my husband is impossible to get through to. He is stubborn and has made up his mind that he will stay that way. I have tried everything and given up, after a while you get tired of the nonsense and no longer want it. I just get on with my life now and he gets on with his. It is hard to believe that we were once in love. Don't let this happen to you.

Well, it takes some courage to admit this. I guess many people spend their lives trying to convince themselves that they are still in love...

Rosyrain, I truly admire your honesty with yourself. It's great that you have come to this realization and you know what you want, what you need. It's very important to continue and create progress. I agree with Bunny; you may feel a little better after speaking with your husband. Try to tell him exactly what you have opened up to us about here.

In my personal experience, it's best to keep it casual. Even if I'm screaming or crying inside, I like to appear as if everything is okay. This usually results in a calm conversation with your man and, hopefully, with understanding. Sometimes it's not healthy to keep this all inside and I'm glad you use writing as an outlet. Just know you're a strong woman with every right to feel this way.

On a more personal note, I have been going through a similar situation with my boyfriend. We are very non-traditional, so our discussion of marriage is just so plain. We agreed we want to get married sometime this year, but not consider each other "fiances". Anyway, we have been so distant for awhile now and it's been difficult. I totally understand what kind of emotions you are going through.

I am feeling better now that I am starting to put myself and my needs first. I thank you all for your kind words of inspiration. There is a line between being selfish and taking care of your own personal needs, and we should all just know the difference. I realized that I am not doing enough of the things in life that make me happy as a person. I love to hike and realized that I can just up and do that and it is not hurtful to anyone, so I feel I am ok to do this even if my fiance doesn t want to. Things like this that are not harmful to my family and yet make me happy.