My place of employment is a never ending carousel of burn outs, freaks, and half retarded circus monkeys. It was the perfect place for me obviously. Trust me when I say it's not the money that keeps me there. It's those people. They never cease to entertain me. Most of the time unintentionally. But sometimes, the gods of the lower working class look down upon you and decide to give you a gift. In this instance, it's my new boss.

We all met him for the first time today. He's older, bearded, from the south and seems to be a no nonsense kind of person. But none of that matters. The important thing to remember about him is.....He has a F%&^ng HOOK FOR A HAND! I am not making this up. He lost half of his left arm and wears a prosthetic hook.

Don't get me wrong here. I hate to see anyone lose a limb. It's terrible and horrible and all that sentimental crap. But if you have to lose an important body part, wouldn't you agree it's best to lose one that you can replace with a hook? You can't do that with a leg. And you certainly can't do that with your more "private" parts. Well, you COULD I guess, but ouch....

Now I haven't asked yet how he came to lose his arm. When I do I hope he doesn't grab me with it by the nose and drag me around. If he does, there's really nothing I can do because it's never cool to beat an old man with one arm no matter what! But from now on, I'm going to consider everyday as Pirate Day! When he barks orders, I'll say "AYE Captain". One day I'll have to call in with "scurvy" and ask if he brought lemons.

Hopefully he gets it, otherwise all that talk about "sharing me booty" could be misconstrued. Again....ouch.

The only way to make this perfect is if he lost it in a boating accident. And if his last name is Morgan I may actually wet myself.

Again, I'm not being mean. I'm simply making the most out of a bad situation. And that's what we pay therapists $100 an hour to tell us. So, in a way, you all owe me. I accept cash. And dirty stories.

Hmm, do you accept booty? Oops! Wait nevermind! I'll sell you wenches for your boat ha ha.