t's now Thanksgiving day here in the United States of America. A day for reflection. A day for family and friends. A day for THANKS. What any of this has to do with a day where we stole an entire country from another people and slaughtered them in masses is beyond me. But, in keeping the tradition of my forefathers (my mother was kind of easy so it's very possible I had four fathers), here's why we should be thankful.

MAN GETS ATE BY PYTHON

I read this earlier today. A man in India had gone to his local liquor store and purchased several bottles of alcohol. He decided to drink them against the side of the building while he relaxed in the shade. Rookie mistake if you ask me. Not only will you urinate on yourself and smell like the toilets at the Superbowl, but you could also die from......I don't know......maybe getting eaten by a snake?

Yep. He passed out halfway through a bottle and got eaten alive by a huge python. Security cameras showed the whole thing. Apparently the snake just went for the bottle, but the man held onto it with a death grip. Even passed out in the gutter, he couldn't give up his bottle. Most people call him an idiot. I call him "hero". Or maybe "Father". My dad did travel abroad.

What happened next is forever etched in the minds of the people that found this snake/human hybrid. There was panic. There was grief. There were questions. But the burning question is: What happened to the rest of the alcohol? Someone had to grab it before the authorities showed up!

My point is this.....free booze on Thanksgiving is something to be thankful for. Whoever you are, don't be stingy.

HOMELESS SHELTERS

I like to spend most of my Thanksgiving day at the local homeless shelters. I volunteer to cook and clean up afterwards. My family lives in Florida and I have no real life friends, so why not?

If you really want to see a look of appreciation from someone, you should do this. These people get ignored most of the year and they absolutely love it when they can get a hot, good meal and a little human contact and warmth for a change.

Then they meet me. I try to explain to them that they wouldn't be so ignored if they didn't smell like the bottom of my dirty sock laundry. Or look like the worlds worst Santa Claus. Because children don't want to sit on the lap of a man that has 3 month old bacon bits in his beard.

My point is this:....Be thankful your children aren't eating bacon bits from the dirty beards of homeless men.

THANKSGIVING GET TOGETHERS

While it's awful nice of you to invite your mom and dad over for this day of thanks, you're not prepared for the after effects. Especially if they're divorced. Your dad shows up with his new girlfriend. She's only 19, chews gum constantly, and says things like "Oh my god, this is, like, SO rad of you. But turkeys shouldn't be killed. They are just poor, defenseless animals. Fer sure."

The force it takes to keep from slapping that gum out of her mouth is admirable. But your MOMS new boyfriend isn't any better. He's probably a yoga instructor and believes in the power of positive thoughts. He'll regale you all night with words of wisdom. Such as "All life should be protected. We can make a difference with our doggy poses.".

Please don't kill him. At least not right away. It's Thanksgiving after all.

My point is this.......Be thankful that you can wait a few days before going to jail for aggravated assault.

So, if on this day of Thanksgiving you can find nothing to be thankful for, remember these words. Sometimes it's the small things that actually matter most. If only my ex wife would have thought of that in the bedroom.

That was brilliant.

I love this post . This is brilliant!

i've heard a few stories in my lifetime about people getting eaten by snakes and/or alligators. Some people survive and some don't but to think how these animals can devour us humans like that. that puts us at the bottom of the food chain when we get eaten. i'll just not drink in alleys like that man or ever get near a python. EVER. xx

I love your sense of humour! You are right, it is the small things that matter in life. If you look hard you will find so much to be thankful about. Really!