...ears.

I am engaged in telling a serial story by email to my sister.  I write the thing on the fly as sort of an exercise to get warmed up.

It's a dystopian PI drama set in 2032, post WW 1.0, in N. California, in a little town where she lives - Ukiah.  WW 1.0 was the First Web War in which the country's infrastructure collapses for 3 weeks.  WW 2.0 hits 9/11/21.

Sorry, no bunnies.

The feedback I need is general:

• Am I missing anything obvious?
• It needs a good title.
• Would you read installment two?

Part One (for lack of a better title, sigh)

Ukiah, California
Sept. 21, 2032 Anno Domini
 
Cars crawl up the 101 like cattle squeezing through a slaughterhouse chute.  Roadside bomb scare in Willits or something.  My ancient Subaru must look suspicious to the bristling new USV (Urban Survival Vehicle) in the next lane over.  I can feel their scanner.  Tickles the Vchip in my neck.  I crank my radio, only to catch President Schwarzenegger on FPR (Fox Public Radio) telling us the situation in Iraq is improving.  For his ratings sake, he better hope not.  Survivor: Bagdhad is only in its fifth week.

 

It’s around seven.  Most folks are home with their Teevs dialed into the Senator Ryan Gosling Show, the “Sexiest Senator” alive and host of American Idol – The President, Season Four.  Nobody beats the Real American Party these days, though, despite allegations that ex Prez Cheney orchestrated the demise of the Democratic Party.  Polls show the RAPtors in the lead.  Yeah, yeah, nobody trusts polls, nobody trusts what they see on TV - even though they watch it 7.5 hours a day on average.

 

I take the Calpella exit and start weaving through the a ramshackle maze of cheap apartments and hovels, Senior Cit housing mostly.

 

My client is looking for his mom.  He’s this month’s Lucky Man; he beat the odds – the odds that say its twenty-five million to one you ain’t gonna win the lotto.  Bad as your chances are, though, 25 million to one is still the best chance most of the population has in today’s economy.  He was a web-client.  Hired me to “rescue” his mom from the “senior slums.”

 

I’m packing my gat.  Old folks may be slow, but their bullets ain’t.  Senior Cit gangs are the worst.  They don’t have anything left to lose.  What are you going to do with them?  Society can’t afford to house them or even jail’em.  And most of them prefer a violent death to the Euth Parlors.  Cops won’t even patrol their neighborhoods anymore.  Damn Boomers.  Last of the Fucking Democrats.

 

My car fits in with all the old Subarus and Volvos but I can feel the scans.  I’m scanning back but nothing much is coming up.  Most Seniors avoided the Vchip draft.

 

You don’t want to go too far into a Tax Free Zone (neighborhoods for them that can’t afford to pay for  Halliburton-supplied infrastructure services like cops, sewage, schools, fire stations, polling stations, etc.)

 

But before I knew it I was in too deep.  That’s the story of my life.  My name is Shamus.  I’m a private investigator.

 

Welcome to CB!!

I love these sorts of works where the government is completely over the top. It is awesome. Would hate to be there though ha ha.

So....What is a "Teevs"? I assume TV? TV's? ha ha

I don't get any reference in the second bit except the "real" and "Ryan Gosling" ones lol....but I thought Ryan Seacrest was the host? This could just be that I'm not American.

I would like to hear more about the euth parlour lol.

Perfect start, absolutely love it. Now I demand more. Go write more!!

Fantastic!
I fell straight into this, I couldn't lift my eyes off the screen

I haven't read much work like this but now I'm regretting that I haven't, I await the next part