Chinaren

Newborn Baby Bunny

Regular Member
12 Posts
Karma: +1/-0
Author's Note:  This is an Interactive Story I'm writing over on Tome City.  I thought I'd post some here for feedback. 

I'll only post it slowly, to give you time to absorb it!  8-)  It is fantasy, just give it time!



A cold wind blew down the empty street.  Old newspapers flapped along the gutter and around the few cars that were parked for the night, patiently awaiting return of their owners in the morning.  Streetlights shone down onto the bleak scene, casting their illumination forth in a wasted effort, as no one was around to use it.

Warren Street, at two am on Tuesday morning, was deserted.  Most people were tucked up in their beds, preparing for work the next day.

Someone wasn't though.

Drunken singing filtered through the air, disrupting the calm of the night with an off key rendition of 'Waltzing Matilda'.  Giggling accompanied the singing, along with intermittent 'shushing'.

"I'm a bloody good singer I am, aren't I doll?"  

The group staggering up the middle of the road consisted of four people.  Three were young women, dressed in attire rather too flimsy for the temperature outside.  

The first was a blond, medium height, thin, wearing a sleeveless dress that was only just keeping her impressive bust restrained.    

The second was of Asian descent, her black hair drifted down her tops low cut back, nearly reaching the top of the almost indecently short mini-skirt.  She was hobbling slightly behind the others, calling for them to ?hold up? as she struggled to walk in tiny stilettos.

The last woman was as black as the ace of spades, as the saying goes.  She was extremely tall and slim, with a long thin nose of almost regal bearing.  She had dyed her short cropped hair white, and had a large number of earrings dangling from both ears, as well as jewelry adorning almost every part of her body.  She was wearing a top that was little more than a bikini, and short shorts Daisy Duke would have been proud of.  

The final figure was male, so much was apparent, and yet details were strangely hard to come by.  The eye seemed to want to slide off him, as if reluctant to take in the features.  If you looked very hard, and concentrated, you might make out that he had dark hair.  Or was it blond?  Whatever he looked like, it was evident that he was very drunk.

"So me darlins.  Who's up for a nightcap and a bit o'slap and tickle eh?"

The blond giggled, a high pitched laugh. "Come on then!  I'm up for it.  Where do you live anyway?"

"Hold up you three, these shoes...  Oh fuck it."  The second one abandoned the effort and took off the offending footwear.

"I shall suck you dry lover," the tall woman said, slipping her hand into the man's shirt.

"You can try me love, many have, none suchsee... sucks... sicksheed... done it so far.  What street are we on anyway?  Where's me beer?"

"You drank it, remember?" The blond leaned on his shoulder.  

"Fuck." The man paused for a moment, but then rallied.  "Never mind, I've got a fridge full at me apartment.  Forward! Onwards to love and beer!  I'm goin t' shag your brains out me lovelies!"  He broke out into song again.

Slowly, taking a winding, meandering course, the small group continued up the street and disappeared into the dark.  Only the odd snatch of song drifting back gave evident of their passing, and even that soon faded.

>>>>>>

Just the prologue.  Comments welcome!  Chapter one will be posted soon.

<<<<<<

 

Bunny

Marketing Team

*
6,253 Posts
Karma: +94/-1
Interesting word choice! That's not a bad thing either. I'm going to point out some things :).

Someone wasn't though.

That's kinda alticlimatic in its wording. Maybe try something like "Most people."

Also, note that you said before that the street was deserted and the lights were wasting their effort on no one....so putting someone there suddenly throws the reader off. You may want to transition it a little to show the person arrived on the scene which WAS deserted till he came there.

The group staggering up the middle of the road consisted of four people.

This makes the "someone" all the more awkward, it's more than one person. Also, temperate means warm, so nothing is really too flimsy. Maybe say something like it was to flimsy for public or daytime wear?



Just those few pointers, but I love the story so far! It's the sort of story I could see on bookshelves if done right :D.

 



More on the Author


About the Author

Members Avatar

Membership Info
N. Hartley (Chinaren) is a Regular who has made 12 posts since joining Creative Burrow on 06:17am Mon, Apr 12, 2010. Chinaren was invited by no one.

About Chinaren
I will write a bio for my profile soon!

Writing Style
Fantasy, scifi, horror, comedy

Other Works by this Author
Coming Soon